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Valentine’s Day Card Fails

A Tragedy...

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     For decades, high schoolers around the globe have had difficulties comprehending the qualities of “love” and “lust.” These words, commonly misrepresented as “infatuated” and “kinky,” have poisoned the adolescent mind and corrupted humanity since the dawn of the prehistoric era. Truthfully it’s not the kid’s fault, but the society that surrounds them. Think about their teachers! For God’s sake the English honors classes expose them to some of the worst romance novels that ever graced this planet.

     But does this mean that love itself is nonexistent in the teenage mind? Does this mean that the future of adulthood and marriage is doomed? If the writings and love letters portrayed in our English classes are pathetic, does that mean our Valentine’s Day cards are derived from their patheticness? Is love lost to the ravenous storms of time?

     The answer is yes.

     Examples of failed and misunderstood love are all around us. Our closest friends, our greatest adversaries.
Jonathan Rickert, a senior and professional Soundcloud rapper, talked about a suitor who tried to woo him with clown inspired poetry in his Valentine’s Day card. The girl, Stevie Husk, still denies any correlations with him, but Rickert insists that it happened and rather suddenly.


     “This girl was going sicko mode on my juice,” Rickert said. “She texted me all kinds of creepy shiz.”

     Rickert recounts lines such as “Wanna go on a drive with me and 40 of my friends?” and “Give me a honk” and “Would you like to be Mr. Jingles for the night?”

     “No clout,” Rickert said.

     On top of that James Shipp, a well respected senior intellectual at North, recounted his traumas of being one of the most popular boys at BHSN. It was a difficult time in Shipp’s life. It seems that despite being recognized as one of the sexiest men alive, he was still getting rejected by the girl of his dreams: Indiana University.

     Anyway, sometime sophomore year he got himself a little too immersed in the Furry Club at the Monroe County Public Library and caught the attention of a frisky cat girl.

     “See, I was going through a bit of an identity crisis. I’d been watching tons of sad anime and I wanted to see what all the hype was about,” Shipp said. “I was very disappointed.”

     Shipp said that on February 14, 2017, he received a cat themed Valentine’s card in the mail with a dead bird inside of the folds. It was the cat girls “gift” to him.

     “You know, I’m fine if someone feels like they identify as a cat,” Shipp said, “as long as they’re okay with me not identifying with them.”

     So what other horrible things have occurred at BHSN? What angsty atrocities lurk around us? Below, I’ve attached a series of Valentine’s Day cards that I’ve deemed as ‘failures.’ Trust me, the stories don’t end here. Open your ears and look around a little. It’s almost like high school relationships are kind of cringey.

 

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The Student News Site of Bloomington High School North
Valentine’s Day Card Fails